If you’re reading this, congratulations, you survived the REAL, FINAL APOCALYPSE as predicted by Harold Camping. (Turns out Camping isn’t much of a math person.) Now you probably think you can enjoy Halloween without the nagging worry of undead, unraptured zombies stalking and infecting you. (As for me- I knew I would survive the non-apocalypse, because I’m already one of the undead.) But before you get too comfortable, I gotta tell you zombies are real . .
For any late-comers to my blog, take a gander at my 3-part story: I got the zombie spores in me. Then the zombie spores turned me into a zombie. Did you know zombies can re-generate limbs? Yep. Lucky for me, or I wouldn’t be typing this now. And those already familiar with the above trilogy would do well to re-familiarize yourselves, because . .
If you still think my tales are safely in the sci-fi section . .
And with all the catastrophic climate change, nuclear radiation, pesticides, and herbicides causing mutations in the already genetically engineered spores accidentally / on purposely released into the open fields, human zombie spores are just around the corner.
STILL don’t believe me? Then believe the USA government’s official Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
It’s real. All we can do is prepare ourselves for the inevitable zombie apocalypse and the resulting mob cruelty and mass disrespect.
And console ourselves with candy.
To stock up on good karma, here’s a list of the most cow-kind, most chicken-respectful (vegan)* cookies and candy** on the USA market, alphabetized by brand:
A
Airheads Taffy
Anna’s Almond Cinnamon Thins
Anna’s Ginger Thins
B
Back to Nature California Lemon Cookies
Back to Nature Chocolate Chunk Cookies
Big League Chew Gum
Brach’s Cinnamon Hard Candy
Brach’s Orange Slices
Brach’s Root Beer Barrels
Brach’s Star Brites
Bremner Wafers
C
Charms lollipops
Chew-ets Peanut Chews (Original)
Chick-o-Sticks
Chocolove Cherries and Almonds Dark Chocolate Bar
Chocolove Crystallized Ginger Dark Chocolate Bar
Chocolove Orange Peel Dark Chocolate Bar
Chocolove Raspberry Dark Chocolate bar
Chocolove Dark Chocolate bar
Cracker Jacks
Cry Babies
D
Dem Bones
Dots
Dum Dums
E
Entenmann’s Fudge Delights Fudge & Mint Cookies
Everest Gum
F
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Chocolate)
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Oatmeal Macaroon)
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Peanut Butter)
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Vanilla)
Ferrara Wafer Swirls With Chocolate
Fireballs
Food Lion Animal Cookies
Food Lion Ginger Snaps
Food Lion Oatmeal Cookies
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Assorted)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Chocolate Creme)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Chocolate Fudge)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Double Creme-O’s)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Duplex)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Mini Chocolate & Vanilla Cremes)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Peanut Butter)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Vanilla)
Food Lion Sugar Cookies
Fruit By the Foot
G
Ghirardelli Twilight Delight Intense Dark
Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Mix
Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews (Original)
Grandma’s Peanut Butter Sandwich Cremes
H
Hubba Bubba Bubblegum
Hubba Bubba Gum
Hunt’s Snack Pack Gel Snacks
J
Jolly Ranchers (lollipops and hard candy)
Jujubees
Jujyfruits
K
Keebler Vienna Fingers
Kool-Aid Gels
Kozy Shack Jammin’ Gels
L
Lance Choc-O Cookies
Lance Peanut Bar
Lance Sugar Wafers (Strawberry Creme)
Lance Sugar Wafers (Vanilla Creme)
Lance Van-O Lunch Cookies
Landgarten Pumpkin Seed Snack – Dark Chocolate
Lemonheads
M
Mamba
Mary Janes (Regular and Peanut Butter Kisses)
Mike and Ike
Mrs. Freshley’s Oatmeal Crème-filled Cookies
Murray Butter Cookies
Murray Cinnamon Grahams
Murray Coconut Bars
Murray Southern Kitchen Iced Oatmeal Cookies
N
Nabisco Double Delight Mint’n Creme Oreos
Nabisco Ginger Snaps
Nabisco Halloween Oreos
Nabisco Iced Oatmeal Cookies
Nabisco Nutter Butter Sandwich Cookies
Nabisco Oatmeal Cookies
Nabisco Oreo Chocolate Ice Cream Cones
Nabisco Oreo Cookies
Nabisco Oreo Thin Crisps
Nabisco Spiced Cinnamon Cookies
Nabisco Teddy Grahams (Chocolate and Cinnamon)
Nabisco Uh-oh Oreos, Spring Oreos, Chocolate Creme Oreos
Nature’s Path Deep Chocolate Cookies
Nature’s Path Ginger Spice Cookies
Nature’s Path Lemon Poppy Seed Cookies
Nestle Double Chocolate Thin Mints
Now and Later
Nutter Butter Bites
P
Panda Licorice
Pure De-Lite Coconut Bars
S
Safeway Fudge Mint Fudge Covered Mint Cookies
Skittles’ Mints
Smarties (U.S. version only)
SunSpire Organic Dark Chocolate Almonds
Sour Patch Kids
Super Bubble
Swedish Fish
SweeTarts (regular)
T
Twizzlers
V
VeganSweets marshmallows
Velamints Mints
W
Whole Foods Organic Chocolate Truffles
Z
Zotz
*List complied from PETA and PETAKIDS.
**May contain trace amount of animal-sourced ingredients.
Hopefully I’ve provided you with the resources and information you need to make it through Halloween alive . . or at least undead, thanks to a sugar OD . .
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And here’s a creepy, campy, rockabilly bonus video for those who skimmed through to the bitter . . or rather, sugary end.
Have a Happy Halloween (while you can)!




