Here’s a super-duper easy recipe you can make for April Fools’ Day, Easter, Valentine’s Day, or even your birthday.
It’s a modern vegan version of the traditional English Gooseberry Fool. All you need are 4 containers of O’Soy Soygurt (vanilla flavor) and a can of gooseberries. Alternately, you can substitute a can of cranberries, or if you’re really in a bind, a can of cranberry jelly (which is what I did). You’ll also need a stove, a pan, a stirring tool, a large bowl, and serving glasses with spoons (those those last 2 items are optional).
Dump the gooseberries or cranberries or cranberry jelly into the pan. You’ll probably have to scrape the insides of the can with the stirring tool to get most of the goop out. Look to see if you have whole berries in the pan. If you do, mash them with the stirring tool or your fist. Turn the stove on low, making sure the burner you turn on is the one under your pan. Stirring frequently, reduce the liquid in the pan (via heating) until you have something with the consistency of pudding. This could take up to an hour, depending on how liquidy your pan ingredient is. (I said this was easy, not necessarily quick.) Once your pan ingredient is pudding-like, let it cool completely. Then dump the soygurt and the berry stuff into a large bowl. Again, use the stirring tool to scrape the goop. Stir. Pour or spoon into the serving glasses.
And now I shall gift my loyal readers with a Tom Green video. Happy April Fools’ Day!
Still here? OK. This is me emerging from a long winter of hibernation, immediately before I made the faux Gooseberry Fool. Yikes. Don’t let this happen to you. Make the Gooseberry Fool – faux or otherwise - before it’s too late!
Here’s a fun and frozen end-of-summer tropical bomb-building recipe. The only tricky ingredient is coconut butter, but once you’ve located that, building the bombs is easy!
BANANA BON BOMBS
Bananas
Coconut Butter
100% Cocoa Powder
Nuts, chopped
Dried Fruit, chopped
Agave Syrup
You’ll also need a small bowl, fork, butter knife, cutting board, wax paper, and a freezer.
Line the cutting board with wax paper. Peel some bananas, (compost the peels) and on the lined board, slice each into 16 discs. (Cut the bananas in half, then cut each half in half again, etc.) Sprinkle some of the nut and fruit pieces onto the tops of half of the slices, leaving the other slices bare. Add a couple drops of agave syrup to the tops of the nut-fruit slices (the stickiness will help hold the bombs together). Gently press each bare slice onto a nut-fruit slice (use caution, as the bombs will be live at this point).
Put the bomb-topped board in the freezer for at least 1 hour (freezing helps them to not explode prematurely). In the meantime, fill the small bowl with coconut butter, and fork-mix in enough cocoa powder to make it brown. You’re not going for dark brown here- medium brown is good.
Retrieve the bomb-topped board and coat each bomb with the cocoafied coconut butter. (This will be messy. Scoop and gently press the coating onto all sides, and work quickly, as the bananas will get mushy as they melt.) Put the bombs back on the board as you go. The coating should react with the coldness and form a hard candy shell. If this happens, the bombs are activated, and ready to pop into your mouth. If they’re still a bit sticky, or if you’re not ready to detonate them, just put them back in the freezer.
Note: These bombs, when left out, eventually do melt from the inside out. So store leftovers in the freezer.
Candy Arctic Kiss Cocktail AKA Easter Arctic Kiss Cocktail*
This is a plan-ahead recipe. It’s still easy, but read through first to get the idea. First, make sure you have your ingredients and utensils:
1 bag of Starburst (vegan) Jelly Beans (make sure the bag has different colors of jelly beans)
1 bottle of Vodka
1 bottle of Champagne
1 Lemon
1 Lime
1 Orange
Ice
Glass Jars with Lids
Measuring Cup
Strainer
Knife
Cocktail Shaker (or just use one of the glass jars and the strainer)
Next, infuse your vodka:
Pick what colors of cocktails you would like. (I chose yellow, pink, orange, and green.) For each color, put 1/4 cup single-color jelly beans and 1/2 cup vodka in a glass jar. If all of one color is a bit less than 1/4 cup, just use what you have. Let the beans and spirits work their magic for a day or two . . Then jar by jar, strain the jelly beans out of the vodka, keeping the liquids separate. If you’re unsqueamish, eat the gooey jelly bean remnants. (I composted mine.)
Finally, mix your cocktails per serving:
2 ounces jelly bean-infused vodka
3 ounces champagne
1 lemon or lime or orange disc as a garnish (mix and match colors)
ice
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Put the vodka and ice in a cocktail shaker and shake.
Add the champagne.
Strain into a glass.
Garnish with a disc.
Before drinking, squeeze the disc into the cocktail. Or if you’re civilized, simply float the disc on the cocktail.
Info for the unfunkified: Smoothies don’t have to have bananas in them. They don’t even have to be sweet. They can even be GREEN. WOW!!
How long does it take you to eat a bunch of spinach, a bunch of parsley, a celery stick, a whole avocado, AND a whole cucumber? Too long to have all that for breakfast or lunch? Try drinking it!
Behold the Green Smoothie:
1 heaping handful baby Spinach
1 heaping handful Parsley
1 Celery stick (chopped)
1 Avocado (sans peel and pit)
1 Cucumber (peeled or unpeeled, and chopped)
1 teaspoon Lemon or Lime juice
up to 1 teaspoon Sea Salt (I like my Green Smoothie on the salty side, so you may want to use less)
enough Water to make the smoothie blender-whir-able (about 1/2 to 1 cup, depending on the volume of the other ingredients)
Cheers to the holidays! First, for motivational purposes, the Hanson Family was kind enough to provide an instructional video on how to drink the final product (screeching baby is optional).
Dreading yet another turkey for Thanksgiving? No? All the more reason to try a Thanksgiving Salad, and break out of your avian-eating complacency! A Thanksgiving Salad takes a few simple, edible plants of fall, and combines them in a crunchy, sweet-savory, medley of yum. Mix and match grain, fruit, and vegetables to create your own Thanksgiving Salad. Or try my own:
1 cup cracked Bulgur Wheat
1 ¼ cup hot Water
¾ cup chopped, toasted Walnuts
¾ cup slivered Carrots
¾ cup slivered Purple Onions
¾ cup dried Cranberries
¾ cup fresh, chopped Parsley
2 tablespoons Olive or Walnut Oil
1 tablespoon Lemon / Lime juice
Crushed Mixed Peppercorns
Sea Salt
Put the wheat in a bowl and cover with hot water. Let sit 2 hours, covered. Add the remaining ingredients and mix well. Refrigerate overnight.
v
v
The beauty of vegan food is that anybody can eat it, even birds.
8 – 12 packets Stevia-blend powder packets (8 for less sweet, 12 for more sweet)
2 tsp Vanilla extract
*optional- pinch of Sea Salt
Mix all ingredients, except almonds, by hand or in a food processor (Mixture will be too thick for a regular blender.) Blend until uniform. Roll into balls. Roll balls in almonds. Chill. Store in refrigerator up to 3 days, or in freezer up to 1 month.
If you’re reading this, congratulations, you survived the REAL, FINAL APOCALYPSE as predicted by Harold Camping. (Turns out Camping isn’t much of a math person.) Now you probably think you can enjoy Halloween without the nagging worry of undead, unraptured zombies stalking and infecting you. (As for me- I knew I would survive the non-apocalypse, because I’m already one of the undead.) But before you get too comfortable, I gotta tell you zombies are real . .
And with all the catastrophic climate change, nuclear radiation, pesticides, and herbicides causing mutations in the already genetically engineered spores accidentally / on purposely released into the open fields, human zombie spores are just around the corner.
It’s real. All we can do is prepare ourselves for the inevitable zombie apocalypse and the resulting mob cruelty and mass disrespect.
And console ourselves with candy.
To stock up on good karma, here’s a list of the most cow-kind, most chicken-respectful (vegan)* cookies and candy** on the USA market, alphabetized by brand:
A
Airheads Taffy
Anna’s Almond Cinnamon Thins
Anna’s Ginger Thins
B
Back to Nature California Lemon Cookies
Back to Nature Chocolate Chunk Cookies
Big League Chew Gum
Brach’s Cinnamon Hard Candy
Brach’s Orange Slices
Brach’s Root Beer Barrels
Brach’s Star Brites
Bremner Wafers
C
Charms lollipops
Chew-ets Peanut Chews (Original)
Chick-o-Sticks
Chocolove Cherries and Almonds Dark Chocolate Bar
Chocolove Crystallized Ginger Dark Chocolate Bar
Chocolove Orange Peel Dark Chocolate Bar
Chocolove Raspberry Dark Chocolate bar
Chocolove Dark Chocolate bar
Cracker Jacks
Cry Babies
D
Dem Bones
Dots
Dum Dums
E
Entenmann’s Fudge Delights Fudge & Mint Cookies
Everest Gum
F
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Chocolate)
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Oatmeal Macaroon)
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Peanut Butter)
Famous Amos Sandwich Cookies (Vanilla)
Ferrara Wafer Swirls With Chocolate
Fireballs
Food Lion Animal Cookies
Food Lion Ginger Snaps
Food Lion Oatmeal Cookies
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Assorted)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Chocolate Creme)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Chocolate Fudge)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Double Creme-O’s)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Duplex)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Mini Chocolate & Vanilla Cremes)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Peanut Butter)
Food Lion Sandwich Cookies (Vanilla)
Food Lion Sugar Cookies
Fruit By the Foot
G
Ghirardelli Twilight Delight Intense Dark
Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Mix
Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews (Original)
Grandma’s Peanut Butter Sandwich Cremes
H
Hubba Bubba Bubblegum
Hubba Bubba Gum
Hunt’s Snack Pack Gel Snacks
J
Jolly Ranchers (lollipops and hard candy)
Jujubees
Jujyfruits
K
Keebler Vienna Fingers
Kool-Aid Gels
Kozy Shack Jammin’ Gels
L
Lance Choc-O Cookies
Lance Peanut Bar
Lance Sugar Wafers (Strawberry Creme)
Lance Sugar Wafers (Vanilla Creme)
Lance Van-O Lunch Cookies
Landgarten Pumpkin Seed Snack – Dark Chocolate
Lemonheads
M
Mamba
Mary Janes (Regular and Peanut Butter Kisses)
Mike and Ike
Mrs. Freshley’s Oatmeal Crème-filled Cookies
Murray Butter Cookies
Murray Cinnamon Grahams
Murray Coconut Bars
Murray Southern Kitchen Iced Oatmeal Cookies
N
Nabisco Double Delight Mint’n Creme Oreos
Nabisco Ginger Snaps
Nabisco Halloween Oreos
Nabisco Iced Oatmeal Cookies
Nabisco Nutter Butter Sandwich Cookies
Nabisco Oatmeal Cookies
Nabisco Oreo Chocolate Ice Cream Cones
Nabisco Oreo Cookies
Nabisco Oreo Thin Crisps
Nabisco Spiced Cinnamon Cookies
Nabisco Teddy Grahams (Chocolate and Cinnamon)
Nabisco Uh-oh Oreos, Spring Oreos, Chocolate Creme Oreos
**May contain trace amount of animal-sourced ingredients.
Hopefully I’ve provided you with the resources and information you need to make it through Halloween alive . . or at least undead, thanks to a sugar OD . .
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And here’s a creepy, campy, rockabilly bonus video for those who skimmed through to the bitter . . or rather, sugary end.
Ahem. We of the ivy-towered writerly persuasion are known to imbibe now and again as the occasion calls, to further fuel our fevered muses, do we not? So OBVIOUS is the highbrow calling of our spirit-quaffing that I really needn’t bother with placating the proletarian OR the bourgeois masses with the tapestretical subtleties- yea, the chakra-dwelling agni of the artist-muse conduit which is called . . er . .
oh hell, where’s my beer???
Found it.
So do writers tend to have addictive personalities? Or is that all hype and myth? Stephen King wrote the razor-sharp “Cujo” in 1981 in an alcohol- and drug-induced stupor, and barely remembers any of it. In 1987 his family emptied the contents of his trash can onto the floor: beer cans, NyQuil, Valium and Xanax bottles, and cocaine and marijuana baggies. So he sobered up. Some fans think King’s post-sobriety novels are notable for their comparative fluffiness.
You know, we writerly types aren’t fooling anyone. Whether it’s beer or wine, sangria or Everclear, we like to get our drink on. And it’s not to fuel our muses. It’s to make the loneliness of writing a tad more tolerabletake the sting out of yet another thumb-nosed rejection slipdrown the gut-wrenching, hand-wringing, teeth-gnashing despair OHMYMITHRAPLEASEHELPMEEEE
OK. Just had another beer. I feel better now. Where were we . .
You say you don’t drink? You’re not a writer. No way, no how. You say you have 20 published books and you’ve never touched a drop of alcohol? Well . . then you at least have tried apple cider at some point, right? Yes? Alright, we’re back in business. Apple cider counts as hard liquor on Mars. You squeak by as a Martian writer.
Anyway, whether you’re a writer from Mars, Earth, or Betelgeuse . .
Funny story about my first hard liquor drink- it was Wild Turkey. I must’ve been around 10. It was at my aunt and uncle’s house. The adults were chatting in the kitchen, and my cousins were in the playroom. I was sitting at the mini-bar in the front room, looking at a bottle, and wondering why the alcohol was called ”Wild Turkey.” I also thought the drawing of the bird was interesting, and that a drink named “Wild Turkey” with a picture of a pretty bird must not be all that bad. Knowing it was a “grown-up” drink, I had to move quickly. I grabbed the bottle off the bar, unscrewed the cap, and took a swig without first smelling it (pretty fast, eh?). HOLY CRAP Lucky for me it was a small swig, and I managed to not retch or fall off the stool. And to this day I don’t know how Gonzo did it. And I’m still a lightweight. Whisky is my least favorite liquor. But I’m partial to rum and vodka cocktails. And wine. And beer. And wine and beer cocktails. I guess I’m partial to cocktails in general.
What was I saying? Oh yeah . .
Gronlund, this one’s for you:
Beastie Boys-Honored Brass Monkey
malt liquor (may substitute super-sized regular bottled beer if you’re a lightweight and don’t want to hurl after consuming)
OJ (the drink)
Drink malt liquor / beer to label.
Fill to top with OJ.
Drink.
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Oh my Mithra! I can’t believe I watched that video all the way through, and then actually posted it! What about my writerly reputation? Now somebody on FacebookTwitter G+ might not take me seriously as a writer anymore! . . only another Brass Monkey can console me know.
I’ve been blogging at my very own blog now for nearly a year, and I’ve even managed to get a few faithful readers along the way. This thrills me. Even if you are visiting my blog for the first time, that thrills me too. Really, it does. To prove it, I’m going to ask you guys what you would like to see in the months ahead. And I promise to take your suggestions into consideration- serious consideration.
Digging the flash fiction? Great, because I’ll still be doing a lot of that anyway.
Like the flash fiction, but want to see other genres? Sure.
Want more “writing advice”? I can do that too.
Have a totally off-the-wall suggestion? Let me know!
Simply leave your suggestions in the comments below this post, or answer this poll (you can choose more than 1 answer):
Ohh . . I thought of more suggestions, here’s another poll:
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And here’s a bonus recipe. Not one of my own, but it’s a great suggestion for what to do with your end-of-summer carrot bounty (also works well with celery). You’ll need a Salad Shooter, or a knife and a quick hand:
