These are my kitties. They are my raison d’être.
Happy New Year to all the cats and cat lovers.
Posted by CMStewart on December 30, 2011
“Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis“*
Merry Xmas Tommy
I know its been a long time. You moved again but I tracked you down. And guess what
Tommy Im Pregnant.
The Baby is yours merry xmas daddy! I know its a boy gonna name him Tommy Jr.
cravin pickles and steak
pickles dont cost too much can get them free at the bar.
But Steak thats hard 3 or 4 hours to earn a steak and sometimes it rains. i get so cold. hope the baby dont mind.
Gonna really try this time. I Promise. No more H no more booze. You will see. For my kids I promise gonna work hard for my family. For you. Even little Tammy shes 3 now still at nanas. But you and me can take her back any time as long as Im clean nana said.
got me a Real Husband got married proper in Church with a ring and every thing. my old man has money owns the gas station where you used to work! you will never be nothin tommy! you no good grease monkey. so don’t even think of comin up here and bother me and my old man. My Old Man will knock you out he is jealous. so forget about it tommy we are over
and guess what its his baby.
i don’t have a husband
and tommy i need to borrow some money
its for my lawyer i promise
they wanna put me in jail but i have a home now for us tommy. help me out tommy. you gotta do right by me. if you pay my lawyer they will let me outta here in a few months. do it for your baby tommy jr
i love you
love, your honey pot
merry xmas tommy got the place all nice for your home coming. red green tinsel and lights a real happy home. come home tommy the warden can let you in. hennepin on 4th ave. dont forget my xmas spirit i like the one with the silver label. please tommy they wont let me have nothin in here. they took tommy jr away.
*Title and inspiration by Tom Waits.
Posted by CMStewart on December 21, 2011
Cheers to the holidays! First, for motivational purposes, the Hanson Family was kind enough to provide an instructional video on how to drink the final product (screeching baby is optional).
Next, the recipes:
Basic Vegan Hot Chocolate for 2
2 cups store-bought Sweetened Vanilla Almond Milk (make sure it’s pre-sweetened)
2 ounces vegan cocoa (in bar form, but NOT a bar labeled “baking”)- alternately use 2 tablespoons of 100% cocoa powder
Heat almond milk in a pan over medium, stirring often, until steamy. Add cacao and stir until dissolved. Pour into mugs and serve immediately.
Hot Peppermint Chocolate
Basic Recipe + Add 4 ounces of Peppermint Schnapps to the almond milk before serving
Tame Hot Peppermint Chocolate
Basic Recipe + Add a few drops of Peppermint Oil
Hot Orange Chocolate
Basic Recipe + Add 4 ounces of Orange Schnapps to the almond milk before serving
Tame Hot Orange Chocolate
Basic Recipe + Add a few drops of Orange Oil
Hot Chocolate Kick
Basic Recipe + Add a scant pinch of Cayenne Powder
Hot Pumpkin Chocolate
Basic Recipe + Add a tablespoon of Pumpkin Purée plus a teaspoon of Pumpkin Pie Spice
Hot Peppermint Chocolate Dream
Basic Recipe + Add 2 ounces of Peppermint Schnapps and 2 ounces of Kahlua to the almond milk before serving
Whoa. Need a break from all that sexy chocolate? Gather your alternative, forward-thinking ingredients, and toast the New Year here.
And now that you’re sloshed, (or soon will be) check out my latest flash fiction challenge– I extended the deadline!
Posted by CMStewart on December 16, 2011
Flashback- 2009: an unknown force mangles a wind turbine in Lincolnshire, UK.
Flash forward- 2011: your challenge is to write a flash fiction tale explaining the mysterious “wine turbine destruction” incident.
Did a UFO do it? Or maybe highly selective ice? How about a giant illuminated octopus?
What’s your explanation?
Genre- horror, science fiction, or fantasy.
Or if you actually KNOW what caused the incident, write a non-fiction explanation.
Oh yeah- of all the eligible* entries (excluding my own) I’ll select one at random as the prize winner. The prize? This T-shirt! (Available in blue, and in your choice of size, or a reasonable substitution if shirt is unavailable at time of winning. Must have Amazon.com account.)
*Eligible: Entries must have word count of 500 – 1000, and be a cohesive story or explanation of the “wind turbine destruction” incident referenced above. Post your entry on your blog, and link to it in the comments of this post. Deadline is
next Friday at noon, EST, 12-16-11. EXTENDED to SATURDAY at NOON, EST, 12-31-11! WOW! I’ll be posting my entry here by then.
Spin, Baby, Spin!
“Attention Earth base, this is Svigz base, do you receive?”
“Yes, Svigz base. This is Earth base, we receive. We are ready for your next instruction.”
“Excellent. We will transmit your instruction, but first we have some bad news. The conditions on Svigz have further deteriorated. We regret to inform you that Svigz is at war. Our entire planet. Our worst fears are coming true, as prophesized. The carbon in Svigz’s atmosphere is nearly depleted, and Svigzians are suffocating by the hundreds of thousands. We must transport our top officials, dignitaries, and wealth-holders immediately.”
“Oh the Svigzianity! Why didn’t we listen to our prophets? The science was there all along!”
“Pure Svigzian greed, my friend. But we’ve no time to dwell on our foibles. Is Earth ready for the Svigzian transport?”
“Only in the areas heavily populated by the dominant Earth life forms.”
“You mean the dominant life forms aren’t dead yet?”
“Not all of them.”
“What about the under-populated areas? The atmospheric carbon isn’t at a high enough level?”
“Not yet, but many of the moderately populated areas are reaching acceptable carbon levels.”
“But there’s a problem.”
“What? Dead Earthlings are piling up faster than you can burn them?”
“No. Some of the dominant life forms are starting to slow the production of atmospheric carbon emissions. Some are even switching from oil and coal power to geothermal and solar power.”
“No. That can’t be. Not after all the probes we put into the hydrocarbon and war industries. Are the probes malfunctioning?”
“No, they’re working at top efficiency, and have recruited the vast majority of the dominant life forms on Earth. But the worst development is that some of the highly intelligent Earthlings are switching to spin power.”
“What’s spin power?”
“It’s carbon-free and peaceful. I’ve researched it, and as far as I can tell, it uses Earth’s temperature differentiations to produce energy. The differentiations cause the atmosphere to shift over the Earth’s surface, and the resulting energy is captured by giant, elevated spinning blades. It’s horrible. The spinning blades not only produce carbon-free energy, they hypnotize the rest of the dominant life forms into making even more blade spinners. Soon Earth will be covered with giant, rotating, carbon-free energy machines. We’re doomed!”
“Did you hit the spinners with the plasmic octo-ice ray?”
“The ice ray doesn’t work so well on Earth. We only managed to temporarily disable one of those nasty spinny things. But now there are ten in its place.”
“We can’t give up yet.”
“But what can we do? The Earthlings keep making more spinny things.”
“We’ve no choice but to reactivate our Palin probe.”
“But the Palin already announced it would not seek presidential status!”
“Excellent. The Palin’s fan base will undoubtedly see the reversal as a display of maverick behavior. They’ll love it. And make sure Palin gets a bravery award this time. Tack a bravery pin on Palin’s wealth lapel, right under the USA flag pin. The USA-ers value bravery up there with myth-worship and wealth-worship.”
“Understood. But how do we secure the Palin’s award?”
“Plant a youtube video of Palin shooting wolves from helicopters. That will guarantee a bravery award. It worked for our Vick probe.”
Happy Holidays, readers!
Doing my part to promote lovely wind turbine energy,
Posted by CMStewart on December 9, 2011