Guano Crazy- a True Documentation of Life on the Moon

Public domain

A full Moon will kill rationality and reason.

Two full Moons in a single month will turn Earthlings into lunatics.

But even loonier is when we have a too-full Moon. That’s when the guano hits the windmill.

The following is a copy of an article by noted nineteenth century historians Paula and Franz Gruithuisen, archived at the Minneapolis Public Library and Information Center, and originally included as an insert in the book Atlantis: The Antediluvian World (1882), by Ignatius L. Donnelly:

O            O

Dear Congressman Donnelly,

As per your request, please consider our research into the connection between the lost continent of Atlantis, the lost inhabitants of the Moon, and the Great Moon Histo Plague. We have selected highlights of our findings for the sake of brevity. The full, unedited documentation of our findings will be available at next year’s Antediluvian Roundtable.

As we presented at last year’s Antediluvian Roundtable, Atlantis, in her prime, was powered by massive windmills. These windmills were sufficiently advanced to provide power in excess of the wants and needs of every Atlantian. As the Atlantians were thrifty, they stored the excess energy in giant batteries. As they were also scientifically minded, and had a keen interest in outer space explorations, they constructed a massive rocket-cannon, with a payload of about 22,000 gravitational units of acceleration, and an advanced two-radio communications device. This rocket-cannon was used to shoot Atlantian space-nauts to the Moon.

Recovered Atlantian census records list the space-nauts’ names: Anger, Cali, Edalpo, Imba, Jaidete, and Nica. (The text listing the corresponding year of the Moon voyage was damaged beyond our ability to decipher.)

The journey to the Moon was completed in nineteen days.

The space-nauts found the Moon inhabited by bat-people and other Earth-like species. (This would be a curious coincidence, unless one postulates the Moon was once a part of the Earth, and was only separated by force of catastrophic meteor impact. Also note: the flying primates theory reasons that megabats, a flying fox sub-group, is an evolutionary sister group of Earth Primates.)

Animals classified on the moon by the space-nauts included bipedal tail-less beavers, bison, goats, unicorns, and winged, colossal temple-dwelling humanoids, who were later re-classified as Vespertilio-homos, or simply “Vesphos.” These Moon animals were collectively named “Loonies.”

Recovered Atlantian Moon journey documents list the names of several friendly Vesphos: Hahfahbeh, Jaherser-Japeh, Rih and Mih (twins), and Thodireh.

A variety of climates and vegetation zones were also documented, including treed forests, oceans, beaches, and fiery volcanoes. In areas of high Vesphos populations, roads were present, as the Vesphos alternated between flying and walking. Also noted were walled structures, including fortifications and cities. This abundant life was concentrated on the so-called “dark” side of the Moon.

The last Moon census before the Great Histo Plague recorded approximately 21,891,974,404,480 Loonies, including 4,200,000,000 Vesphos.

An over-abundance of guano led to the Great Moon Histo Plague.

As we now know, histoplasmoids manifest in a guano-rich environment as brown mycelium, and as such, in all practicality, are indistinguishable from their guano host. The plasmoids, when disturbed, become airborn. Once inhaled and warmed to body temperature, they morph into histo-yeast. In turn, the yeast germinates and buds from the surface of internal tissues.

As histoplasmosis is characterized by an initial asymptomatic state, the typically care-free Vesphos failed to safeguard themselves against the dreaded disease, and were unfortunately flippant about the threat of mass extinctions. As the Vesphos and other Loonies began to show later-stage symptoms resembling cough and flu, the lackadaisical attitude remained in the Vesphos, and ultimately, directly contributed to the demise of all Loonies.

The Atlantian space-nauts also unfortunately developed histoplasmosis. They suffered from vision loss and calcifying lesions before ultimately perishing from self-flagellation wounds, as was the truly horrifying custom of Atlantians faced with chronic wasting diseases.

And so a pandemic of histoplasmosis was responsible for the extermination of all Loonies, including the Vesphos. The last radio transmission of the space-nauts included information suggesting the Moon’s atmosphere was slowly dispersing into outer space, as the Moon’s gaseous internal expulsions were dwindling from resource depletion.

Respectfully yours,

Paula and Franz Gruithuisen

O            O

Thanks to Flannery Alden at Flash Fiction Friday for this flash fiction prompt!

Leave a comment


  1. Fantastic and fun! I liked the tone of this letter, so matter of fact about the moon’s inhabitants.

    • Thanks!

      I, too, was impressed with the Gruithuisens’ focus on facts. A pity this is no longer taught in schools.

  2. Wow – great detail, active imagination, lots of impressive science and pseudo-science. I laughed at the space-nauts dying from self-flagellation wounds.

    • Thanks for reading; I, too, was oddly amused by the self-flagellation information. Glad I wasn’t the only one!

  3. Wow, I hope somebody’s keeping an eye on our atmosphere. It’d suck if the Moon farts blew mycelium our way.

    Oh, wait, did that lower the intellectual tone of the discussion? Maybe I should have said, “If the Moon’s gaseous internal expulsions propelled the mycelium into our upper atmosphere”…

    Love your scientific discourses!

    • LOL Last I heard, our ozonic atmosphere conveniently opened up for ease of passage of all kinds of space debris, thanks to the alternative energy industry’s conspiracy to suppress the ozone-producing clean oil and clean coal industries. I heard that on Vixen News, so it must be “truthy.”

  4. This is wild. It really should be on every middle-schools’ curriculum. I agree with the style in which it’s written–so routine and matter-of-fact. That’s what makes your hair stand on end! This is such great fun, and I guarantee, there’s a faction out there who believe every word!

  1. F3 – Cycle 92 – Blame it on the Moon – The Stories | Flash Fiction Friday

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