Now there’s a campy writing prompt!
500 words packed into 1 story about “Bonus points for the virgins.”
Link it in the comments by July 4. I will post my own story by then.
Bonus-bonus points if you make it a creepy story including a “truly horrifying” expression and a description of “self-flagellation” (credit again goes to Diane Henders, whom I should point out, is the polar opposite of “truly horrifying,” in case you were wondering. I’ll leave the “self-flagellation” speculation up to you).
Here’s mine, overflowing 500 words:
Bonus Points for the Virgins
The tricorder whirs, then beeps, and Richard giggles at the readout. “Patience pays,” he says. “Persistance pays.” He runs his glowing white fingers through his bleach-blonde hair. “But this sun is gonna turn me into an angry red… pomegranate.” He giggles again. “And that would be…” he lowers his voice and winks at Sonny, “bad for business.”
Sonny nods and enters his quotation into her smartphone.
Richard wipes his sleeve across his forehead. “Blazing blue balls. No wonder the Martians burrowed underground.”
Brandy sprays herself with a plant mister and shakes her head. “Are you sure Martians are ready for space travel? They haven’t even mastered surface locomotion.”
“I plant the seed, and the Martians will bloom. Remember – patience and persistence equals paycheck.”
“Speaking paychecks, how will we monetize this?” Brandy says.
“Yeah, Martians don’t speak our language.” Sonny bites her lip. “They don’t even use money, that I can see. No jobs, no incomes. They’re like… little burrowing animals.”
“Come on, this is Virgin 101 stuff!” Richard stands in front of Sonny and Brandy. “Step one – invade. Step two – introduce Earthling ways. Step three – enforce Earthling ways. Step four – let the natives figure out how to keep themselves out of trouble.”
Sonny nods and types into her smartphone.
“Mars is the twin of Earth, and so Martians are the twins of Earthlings. It’s just that Martians haven’t progressed their technology beyond what we would consider Paleolithic.” He runs his thumbs around the inside of his waistband. “Subsequently, their social conventions are still a bit stifling as well. But if we want to sell them on space travel, we’ve got to sell ourselves on their temporary abstinence.” He forces a smile and squares his shoulders. “Speak their language, so to speak.”
“Er, their language?” Sonny raises her finger. “But-”
“I’ve become a born-again virgin, and I expect my staff – er – my employees to follow the same rigid standard. It’s gonna be hard, but we must be patient and persistent. By the way, Brandy and Sonny, your names are now ‘Patience’ and ‘Persistence.’ ”
Persistence nods and enters the info into her smartphone.
“Anybody who does not become a born-again virgin will be shafted. Rather, get the shaft. From me. So to speak. Now, who wants to join me for a quickie? Lunch inside the spaceport. Let’s ditch this radiation.”
“No sex? But I’m a nymph- I, um, have a medical condition.” Patience blushes.
“The virginity compliance will be incorporated into the Virgin Employee Points Plan,” Richard continues. “Each full day of virginity will be awarded five-hundred bonus points. One hundred thousand points earns you one paid month of vacation back on Earth, after which your bonus points will be re-set to zero, of course.” He flashes a dazzling white smile. “Now, where on Mars did I put my self-flaggelator? Time to shizzle my shiznit.” He wanders back to the spaceport, and Patience and Persistence follow. “This virgin gig is alchemizing my pink sapphires into…”
“Blue sapphires?” Persistence offers.
“Yes, I think you’re right! But we’ll verify after the quickie.”